This cartoon perfectly captures what it’s like to be a people pleaser. As a former one myself, I know the internal struggle of constantly putting others first. We don’t ask for what we want, then resent the world for not giving it to us.
We wear a happy face, regardless of how we really feel, out of fear that showing our true emotions will drive people away. Not just temporarily—there’s a deep fear of being abandoned for good. It’s a powerful but flawed mechanism rooted in the fear of being alone.
How You Catch It
People-pleasing is often something we learn in childhood, especially in the early developmental years from birth to age 7. It’s a coping strategy designed to meet our primary needs as children: love and attention. We’re social animals, after all. I learned to be a people pleaser with my father, using it to secure his love. There are many childhood strategies like this—read more about them here: Childhood Strategies.
Why You End Up Like This Cartoon
While this strategy may have worked in childhood, it no longer serves us as adults. The challenge comes from not recognizing that this outdated coping mechanism no longer fits who we are. Coaching helps update these strategies to align with the person you are today and the values that are important to you.
A Client’s Journey
I recently worked with a client who embraced the ‘update’ approach. By the end of our session, she visibly softened, feeling relief from the tension of constantly trying to control everything. She now has a framework for managing her people-pleasing tendencies. As her next step, she’ll complete a written exercise—a PROS and CONS list—highlighting the parts of her people-pleaser that no longer serve her (tension) and the qualities she appreciates about it. This lays the foundation for her update and a new vision moving forward. Soon, she'll practice asking for what she wants in her relationships, and in time, her inner emotions will align with her outward expressions, transforming her "cartoon" into one where her face matches her true feelings.
Ready to Move Through What No Longer Serves You?
Tired of putting others first and hiding your true feelings? Let's work together to update old habits and embrace a more authentic, empowered version of yourself.
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