In coaching, clients often come to me seeking relief from challenges in their personal or professional lives. After a session, they frequently report feeling lighter, as though a weight has been lifted. While this immediate relief is rewarding to witness, I’ve observed a recurring pattern: months later, a similar challenge resurfaces.
This cycle points to a deeper issue—patterns rooted in childhood. To address these recurring struggles, we often need to journey back to where it all began: childhood strategies.
Read this earlier blog post on my childhood strategy.
Take the Quiz: Discover your childhood strategy.
What Are Childhood Strategies?
Childhood strategies are behavioral patterns formed between birth and age seven—our formative emotional years when much of our coding takes place. These strategies aren’t inherently good or bad. They served a crucial purpose: helping us adapt, connect, and protect ourselves in our early environment.
At their core, childhood strategies exist for two reasons:
1. To get love.
2. To gain attention.
While these strategies were vital in childhood, as adults, they may no longer serve us. In fact, they often limit our growth or cause tension in relationships. Recognizing and updating these strategies allow us to align them with who we are today and the values we now hold.
Think of it this way: if you don’t revisit and adjust these strategies, a large part of your life may still be governed by a child’s mindset. Coaching helps update these strategies, so they match the adult you are today.
Examples of Childhood Strategies
Here’s a snapshot of common strategies:
- The Peacemaker: Avoids conflict to maintain harmony.
- The Overachiever: Strives for success and external validation.
- The Caretaker: Focuses on others' needs to feel valued.
- The Rebel: Defies authority to assert independence.
- The Observer: Withdraws emotionally for safety.
- The Entertainer: Uses humor or charm to gain approval.
- The Perfectionist: Sets high standards to avoid failure.
- The Pleaser: Seeks to make others happy to feel accepted.
- The Protector: Shields themselves or others from harm.
- The Innovator: Finds creative solutions to escape or adapt.
Other strategies include: the “good girl/boy,” the “needy child,” or even being “sickly” or “shy.”
My Personal Strategy: The Pleaser
I am a pleaser. Growing up, this strategy helped me gain the love and attention I craved from my parents. As a child, it worked well—I rarely felt neglected.
However, in adulthood, this strategy brought tension to my relationships. By constantly putting others first and seldom voicing my own needs, I became resentful. My unexpressed anger leaked out in passive-aggressive ways, straining my connections.
Through coaching, I learned how this pattern kept me from the life I wanted. One pivotal exercise involved creating a pros and cons list for my strategy:
- On the ‘pros’ side, I identified strengths like fostering connection and community.
- On the ‘cons’ side, I pinpointed areas to work on, like “not asking for what I want.”
I began taking small risks, such as speaking up for my needs and learning to say "no." Over time, these actions transformed my relationships and reduced the anger I once felt daily.
Today, my pleaser tendencies show up in positive ways—like hosting parties with my wife, ensuring guests feel welcome and connected. And I’ve learned to prioritize my own needs, too, leaving me more fulfilled and less tense.
Why Understanding Your Strategy Matters
Instead of constantly reacting to stress or putting out fires in your life, why not address the root cause? Exploring childhood strategies offers a pathway to lasting change by uncovering the patterns that drive your behaviors.
This approach is far more effective than simply solving problems as they arise. When you understand the why behind your actions, you can begin to make conscious choices that align with your present-day values.
How to Start
1. Take the Quiz:
Begin by identifying your primary childhood strategy (or strategies).
2. Observe:
Pay attention to how these patterns show up in your life over the next week. Simply notice them without judgment.
3. Reflect:
Consider the impact of your strategy. Ask yourself:
- How did this pattern serve me in childhood?
- How is it helping or limiting me today?
4. Commit to Change:
Focus on amplifying the strengths of your strategy while addressing its limitations.
Exploring your childhood strategies is a powerful way to understand yourself, break unhelpful patterns, and create a more fulfilling life. Are you ready to get started?
Take the Quiz and let the journey begin.
Ready to Break the Pattern?
Unlock lasting change by exploring how early strategies shape your present. Coaching reveals the roots of recurring challenges, empowering you to rewrite outdated strategies and live aligned with who you are today. You’re warmly invited to join me on a discovery call located at the bottom of this link.
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